Lately I've been at a loss of words.
weird, right? for the girl who can never stop talking and/or writing can no longer put together sentences? But mostly it's because I haven't been able to find the right words. The right words to explain my feelings of gratitude about Paris, my friends, my family, my life. There are just no words. And truthfully, I don't think I will ever know the words, and for a writer of sorts, that's hard to accept. But I'm trying this new thing where I allow myself to believe that I actually don't know it all and just go with it. I've given up on trying to cram this experience into a simple phrase or unfitting box but rather tried to really live it.
I've stopped trying to take my camera out at every picture perfect opportunity and I've stopped trying to withhold my taste buds from what they really want (this might come back to bite me in the butt.. literally). I've stopped worrying about what I'm missing at home and I've stopped being hard on myself for the things I really can't control. To be short and sweet, I've just stopped. And in the irony of that action I've started to live.
It's been in that little sliver of space- of stopping and starting and living- that I have found myself. And I know that sounds cheesy and sort of naïve, but I believe it. I also believe that you constantly find yourself over and over and over again in this life. It's not a one and done sort of deal. I've found the carefree spirit that I thought I let slip away. I've discovered friendships and characteristics within them that make feel whole. I've experienced the extraordinary and I've found myself matching them equally to the wonderful ordinary.
I would love to categorize all these lessons and feelings into one word and call it good, and I think we all think we immediately fall back on the word "happy." But I think it's more than that, or less, I really don't know. You see, I'm sometimes at war with the label "happy" because what's the opposite of happy, depressed? No, it most definitely is not. Truth is, we've all been in that spot. Ya know, that spot of not sad but not happy, just sorta- stuck. And you're looking around you, on Facebook or Twitter.. and sometimes you even find yourself in the depths of stalking your best friend from first grade's Instagram claiming that she lives a perfect life…
That's not right.
And even more importantly, that's not true.
We all get stuck. Every single one of us.
Yes, even that one person that you consider the exception.
Even the girl who lives in Paris.
Being stuck doesn't mean you're aren't happy, you're just stuck.
I don't need to go into my personal set of trials and struggles that have been delicately or harshly placed into my hands. Quite frankly, we all have our own hidden closets of tragedy and pain that we don't care to open up and sometimes it's okay to not give anyone the key. It's not important that everyone knows our struggles so we can be "understood," rather it's important to have mercy for others and their unknown battles and to be understanding.
And so it goes with the declaration of getting "stuck" comes the million-dollar-question, how do you get unstuck? Well that's when I start focusing on living. Living for Friday nights drinking hot chocolate. Living for sunday mornings and the opportunity to partake of the sacrament. Living for chats with friends on walks or via internet. Living for shared crêpes and wiping off Nutella your friend's face. Living for better memories, the kind of memories that Instagram doesn't get to steal, the memories that make you the person you are. Living to be nothing but yourself and letting no person or circumstance take it away you.
With living comes forgetting about capturing the Insta worthy picture, immersing yourself in new friendships and opportunities, and reminding yourself and others that "these are the days"- even on days where you get lost in the pouring rain and are eating Mac n' Cheese out of the pan. And gradually it's through these little treasures of life and appreciative way of living that we find ourselves unstuck. Finally free, up in the open air thinking, why haven't I been doing this all along? and why don't I help others to get up here to enjoy the view as well.
Let's stop waiting for trips to France to figure out these stuck moments and let's start living for each day and all it brings. Turns out you don't need Paris to be unstuck...
Once upon a time I pictured myself walking down the cobblestone streets in Paris imagining to be saying "this is living." Now I hear the sounds of my friends laughter and look at their glistening eyes and correctly think,
"No, this is."
Love Always,
Lauren
