Free as a Bird

It all started at the Camden Market in London. A time where change overwhelmed my thoughts and my heart longed for any form of stability. My stomach was in knots resulting from catching a nasty bug and fear of the future.  Truth is, I was scared. Scared that I no longer could call my fellow high school my school. Scared to go to college alone. Scared to say goodbye to those I love and a time of my life I loved. I hated being scared, I always convinced myself to be fearless and for the first time in my life I was truly letting fear get the best of me.

Like any tourist market, there was endless amount of crap. But nonetheless my brothers and I set out on a mission to find a quality souvenir. And then we stumbled upon a little tent of unique, ink art-work. The handmade art was amazing but my attention was drawn to the artist herself. If I had the chance to speak with another stranger for a second time in my life I would surely pick her. I couldn’t tell you her name but I could tell you about her presence.  She had a stillness that brought me peace, she had a passionate spark that gave me hope. She told me stories about spontaneously moving to India and adventures of exploring England by bicycle. She had this love for life that inspired me to do the same. During our conversation I came across a handmade card of hers, it read: “Free as Bird”. That was my souvenir. A remnant of a lovely stranger who reminded me of what I wanted my life to be.

Free as a bird. That was what college was going to be. A chance for a new start, adventure…and far too many expectations. That was where I made my mistake. I had this subconscious idea that the second I moved into my dorm room that my life would just take off. I would instantly be best friends with girls in my hall, I would be dating like a madwoman, I would be loving life like never before. Okay so that fantasy died fast and reality hit hard. Things were more difficult than I expected they would be and even though I was hardly an hour away from home I had never felt more alone in my life. But we all go through hard times so I just told myself to wade it out. A month and half passed and I realized I was still wading out the storm. Looking back I now realize that it was my own fault. You see I still had set expectations. They were the culprit to my unhappiness, they held back my wings of being  ‘Free as a Bird’.

When I finally let go of my expectations and let the Man upstairs lead the way everything just got better. Never would I think by giving up something I could gain so much. I didn’t necessarily gain anything new, I just finally saw what I was blessed with all along. Blessed with a hall of crazy, loving girls. Girls who make me laugh till I can’t breathe, girls who brush my tears off my cheeks during hard times. Blessed with an education that pushes me, inspires me, and motivates me to make something of my life. Blessed with a beautiful world of golden falls and white Christmases. Blessed with a healthy body that allows me to explore that world. Blessed with a hometown that is full of love and the dearest best friends. Blessed with a family that who supports me, laughs at me, and reminds me that life is about the journey not the destination. Blessed with a testimony. Even when it’s as simple as I know that God loves me and I love Him.

I learned that a happy life doesn’t bring gratitude but rather that gratitude makes a happy life. Everyday I feel more and more blessed to be where I am, what I’m doing, and whom I’m with. Gratitude has made me free. Rather than looking at all the things I don’t have that hold me down, acknowledging what I do have has set me free in so many ways. Free from comparing, judgment, negativity, and free from the adversary telling me that I’m not enough. Of course we are all going to have rough days where it feels like nothing can go right. But in those times I stop and try my hardest to name ten things that I’m grateful for… It doesn’t take more than get to #4 that I feel so blessed and happy to have the life the have.

I’m not perfect and everyday is a whole new set of trials and experiences but I’ve learned that to be 'Free as Bird' you need to lose expectations of handling those trials and experiences. Throw them out the window and don’t you dare chase after them. Because the best part about throwing them out is that life doesn’t turn out the way you expect it...

 it’s even better.  

Love Always, 

Lauren 

pure blood

this story was read at one of my good friend's LDS mission farewell. it definitely is something to remember. it's a new way to understand the atonement of Jesus Christ.

so let us this season, remember what Christmas is truly about...

Pure Blood

The day is over, you are driving home. You tune in your radio.

You hear a little blurb about a little village in India where some villagers have died suddenly, strangely, of a flu that has never been seen before. It's not influenza, but three or four fellows are dead, and it's kind of interesting, and they're sending some doctors over there to investigate it. You don't think much about it, but on Sunday, coming home from church, you hear another radio spot. Only they say it's not three villagers, it's 30,000 villagers in the back hills of this particular area of India, and it's on TV that night. CNN runs a little blurb; people are heading there from the disease center in Atlanta because this disease strain has never been seen before.

By Monday morning when you get up, it's the lead story. For it's not just India; it's Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, and before you know it, you're hearing this story everywhere and they have coined it now as "the mystery flu".

The President has made some comment that he and everyone are praying and hoping that all will go well over there. But everyone is wondering, How are we going to contain it? That's when the President of France makes a announcement that shocks Europe. He is closing their borders. No flights from India, Pakistan, or any of the countries where this thing has been seen. And that's why that night you are watching a little bit of CNN before going to bed. Your jaw hits your chest when a weeping woman is translated from a French news program into English: There's a man lying in a hospital in Paris dying of the mystery flu. It has come to Europe. Panic strikes. As best they can tell, once you get it, you have it for a week and you don't know it. Then you have four days of unbelievable symptoms. And then you die.

Britain closes it's borders, but it's too late. South Hampton, Liverpool, North Hampton, and it's Tuesday morning when the President of the United States makes the following announcement: "Due to a national security risk, all flights to and from Europe and Asia have been canceled. If your loved ones are overseas, I'm sorry. They cannot come back until we find a cure for this thing." Within four days our nation has been plunged into an unbelievable fear. People are selling little masks for your face. People are talking about "What if it comes to this country," and preachers on Tuesday are saying, "It's the scourge of God."

It's Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when some- body runs in from the parking lot and says, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio." And while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to it, the announcement is made. Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital dying from the mystery flu. Within hours it seems, this thing just sweeps across the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote. Nothing is working. California. Oregon. Arizona. Florida. Massachusetts. It's as though it's just sweeping in from the borders.

And then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the Midwest, through all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one simple thing: Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken. That's all we ask of you. And when you hear the sirens go off in your neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the hospitals. Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night, there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home." You stand around, scared, with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is going on and that this is the end of the world.

Suddenly a young man comes running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says, "Daddy,that's me." Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. Wait a minute. Hold on! And they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type."

Five tense minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another - some are even laughing. It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect. It's clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine." As the word begins to spread all across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and laughing and crying. But then the gray- haired doctor pulls you and you wife aside and says, "May we see you for a moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we need...we need you to sign a consent form." You begin to sign and then you see that the number of pints of blood to be taken is empty.

"H-h-h-how many pints?" And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he says, "We had no idea it would be a little child. We weren't prepared. We need it all! But-but...You don't understand. We are talking about the world here. Please sign. We- we need it all -- we need it all!"

"But can't you give him a transfusion?"

"If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign?

Would you sign?"

In numb silence, you do. Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with him before we begin?" Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?" Can you take his hands and say, "Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?" And when that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've-we've got to get started. People all over the world are dying." Can you leave? Can you walk out while he is saying, "Dad? Mom? Dad? Why-why have you forsaken me?"

And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son, and some folks sleep through it, and some folks don't even come because they go to the lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care. Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED! DON'T YOU CARE?"

Is that what GOD wants to say? "MY SON DIED. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE?"

"Father, seeing it from your eyes breaks our hearts. Maybe now we can begin to comprehend the great Love you have for us."

Author Unknown

be the ones to care and to be fully involved in your passions, like the gospel. don't simply "come with a pretentious smile and pretend to care" 
remember what this Christmas season is truly about. show your love to others and to Him by acting in a way that he would be proud. 

mormon.org 

love,
moss

genuine

as i sat on the church benches in sacrament meeting today, i reflected on my week, thinking about what i need to work on. i try and make these thoughts occur weekly because i know that there isn't any progression without reflection. i considered the week: remembering things that i could congratulate myself for and also the things that i failed at. i take into account what i saw during the week that i enjoyed and what things i need to cease from becoming. 

what stood out to me the most, was when people were genuine.  

see and it's funny because many things lately have all brought me back to this idea of being genuine. 

i want to live genuinely-in all aspects. because i think then, my life would be more filling! as cheesy as it sounds, i really think it would. and i've been searching for that one thing that's missing anyways so i think it'll help. 

maura dern said it perfectly, 

"i want to act by not only focusing around kindness, but on a general interest in people. avoiding the shallow conversations and really getting to know them." 

i'm sick of all the small talk and casual conversations filled with the same old questions. (ha lets be real, nobody truly wants to hear about what you're majoring in because then it just adds more stress to your indecisiveness.) i want to be genuinely interested in people and how they are doing and what they are doing. i want to know if they're genuinely doing okay so then i can know how to help. we always have infinite room to love and serve someone. 

 i really do think being genuinely involved with a couple friends is better than being shallow with many. and with those friends, you've got to treat them like friends. to genuinely love them, you've got to love their mistakes, faults, and talents-you've got to love them fully. so make those genuine efforts and take that time to love and serve them fully. find joy in your friends and family.

>>------------>

another part of the genuine life i want to live is by revolving myself around the genuine things in life: the things that really bring value and make people feel of true worth. 

i want to live with passion. referring to my lovely friend haley hilton's blog, she talked about the importance of living with passion. what is life if it isn't with passion? you're wasting your time if you're not doing what you love. do what you want and do what you love and everything else will work itself out. because when you hope and work towards good, the work will work for your good. 

see and i think it's good to focus on the genuine things too so then you can be genuinely happy. i feel like the world has changed the view on what can make people genuinely happy. 

for example: 

A.) the image of social media 

i love social media but i hate social media, i truly do! yet, i still involve myself with it because Satan continuously convinces me that i can find true happiness from it. stupid stupid stupid. (ha i'm going to try and do something about that btw.) but for me, social media never helps. i always find myself comparing other people's highs to my lows when i log on. yet, we all do it-we all post on social media for one reason or another. maybe to get attention from that one guy, to show how great the weekend was, or to simply post just to post and see how much publicity we can get. but see, when we get caught up in competing and comparing our lives with others, we forget the great highlights right in front of us-we forget to enjoy today. 

these distractions are "costly apparel" and arise prideful feelings that aren't needed in our lives. they keep us from enjoying true happiness and enable Satan to make us believe that they will bring us satisfactory joy. we get so caught up in thinking about how we're going to top the pictures tomorrow, or how we're going to look better than that girl tomorrow, or how we're going to tweet the funniest tweet tomorrow, etc. etc.... we need not worry about tomorrow because it will sort itself out, we just need to enjoy the genuine things of today and help others do the same. 

"I asked before, what can a person gain from beauty?  The answer is nothing.  Now, what can a person gain from knowing they are a child of God?  Everything.  What can a person gain knowing there is more to them than a facebook “like”?  That their character and actions prove to make a much more noticeable mark on the world than hitting 100 “tweets?”  We should be teaching our children they are beautiful long before they ever have a facebook or twitter account.  The kind of beauty I'm talking about is taught, not put together in front of a mirror with makeup and hairspray.  Some of the most beautiful people you and I know would never appear on the cover of a People magazine.  Now I'm not saying we shouldn't feel good about how we look.  Our bodies are gifts from God and we should honor them as such. I'm not saying it's bad to walk out of the door feeling good in your new jeans.  Heck, I’m not even saying you shouldn’t feel good when your neighbor compliments your looks.  What I AM saying is that the foundation of our self worth should not be made of “likes.”  It should be made of the content of our character and the true beauty that lives inside all of us." 

-Alyson Bauer

i don't want to focus on my looks or how to outwardly impress people anymore. i want to focus on how i make people feel and how i am feeling on the inside about myself. i want to be sure of myself through feeling confident of inside self. i want to develop my talents and love myself and others with more sincerity. i want to set down that technology and ignore that social media sting so i can develop my relationships face to face rather than screen to screen. i want to acknowledge how blessed i am and immerse myself in those blessings. i want to ignore the "costly apparels" of the world and find true happiness in the genuine lovelies of the world. 

so if that isn't enough rambling, i don't know what is! 

love,
moss

The Most Beautiful Part

I  b e l i e v e that finding happiness is the most universal desire in human beings. What I've learned to be true in my life is something you've heard a million times... that you can choose to be happy. This is really an exhausted statement and I know that, but every time I've heard it, it's been said to me by someone who has a lot more wisdom than I do. I think that the most important change I've seen in myself is how I would have defined happiness a few years ago and how I define it now. 

Many people search for happiness in their own brilliant plans and expectations in their heads. This is where I used to think I'd find it, too. I would come up with an idea and fall in love with it. I really used to think that gaining what I wanted was what made me happy. I didn't realize I thought this way until I started to think differently. 

I never had an "aha" moment, there was never a climatic experience that changed my way of thinking. I just started to observe and realize something. I used to tell life to take a certain path. "Let me make this part. Let me make this team. Let me be friends with these people. Let me become as good as someone else and then I'll find my joy. Well, life doesn't always listen to me and when things didn't work out, I realized at the end of the day, I just wasn't happy. So I took a step back and I asked myself why. 

I realized that I wasn't truly happy on the days that I gained things. Even when dreams of mine have come true, I've never been as ecstatic as I thought I'd be. Rather, it was the day that I expected nothing and was found by everything, the day I chose to forgive someone who wasn't sorry, the day I stopped assuming and realized I was wrong, the day I learned that the best talent you can have is to love someone else's talent, the day I looked at the glowing faces of the people we served on Christmas Eve and realized mine was even brighter, it was the day that I learned to forgive myself that I realized I didn't just feel happy, I felt whole. 

Authentic happiness comes from a source inside ourselves, we just have to believe in it. When you stop wanting and start appreciating, when you lose yourself for the sake of others, when you give up on waiting for opportunities and you make them for yourself instead, when you find your passions and beliefs and you act on them, all the sudden you'll love yourself. 

And that's the key. 

Because the most beautiful part about happiness is that you don't find it.

It ends up finding you. 

-Brianna Lynne 

Would You

I'm a strong believer in working hard, I'm also a strong believer in taking breaks. My girl Erika and I took on this belief early into the college life. After studying all day, that knock on the door is my saving grace every single night. It's my break, my silly hour, just what I need before I sit back at my desk to finish my endless homework (no but really, never ending) into the early morning. Our daily ritual consists of Sonic runs or trips to the Creamery, getting our favorite treats (hello Freshman Fifteen), followed by our classic talks. Typical girl talks that consist of venting, laughs, reminiscing, and boys, of course. 

Quick Background

I was lucky enough to meet Erika on the first day of seventh grade. To this day we agree that our friendship, along with our twenty other girlfriends, was the kind of friendship that could only be formed over junior high years. There's something special about junior high that no other stage of your life can compare to. Sure, as you get older independence is great and you get to live the "adult life", but let's be real, if I could go back to being thirteen I easily would. Only at thirteen can you cram into your mom's car with girls stacked on each other's laps. Only at thirteen can you be okay with literally walking everywhere. Only at thirteen can you eat absolutely anything without gaining a pound. Only at thirteen can you wear plaid shorts and a striped shirt and not think twice about it. Only thirteen can you feel so old but be so little. So you get the point, I was fan of Junior High. A fan of the awkward years and even a bigger fan of the girls I met during them. 

Three years of junior high flew by and before we knew it were on our way to start high school. In the mix of the excitement and scariness of that realization, Erika had some news for us. She told us that she was going to a different high school to be apart of their Dance Company-- one of the best in the state. I was so excited for my "carmel girly-girl", excitement though didn't stop the tears and ache that I was losing one of my best friends. So we made promises. Promises that consisted of annual lunches, attending dance concerts, and to stay friends forever. Usually over time those promises don't work between long-distance friends, but we made sure that it would for us. 

Fast forward to senior year, still holding our promises and all. During one of our lunches we both realized that we were both going to BYU--alone. All of sudden those promises became our greatest blessing. Those promises kept us tied together and lead us to the opportunity to share Freshman year together. And my goodness, I'm grateful for that opportunity every single day... usually always around break time

 You see, these breaks are more than a treat or a nice chat. These breaks provide me new perspectives of my life. Dramatic, but true. On a recent break of ours, Erika asked me something that  no one has asked me before. After a long story of mine- a story that consisted of thrills, tears, and a whole lot of confusion- she asked me, 

"So, would you do it all again?" 

It got me thinking, not only about the previous story I shared, but my life as a whole and the experiences that have led me to where I am today. I thought of the times that challenged me and the people that changed me and I came up to a powerful realization. Everything that has happened in my life, all the good and bad, I am eternally grateful for. 

I am grateful for it all, and I would undoubtedly do it again. I would lose the SBO election three times more, I would experience the pain of a severe gymnastics accident again, I would surely face those awkward teenage years again as well. I would deal with all the disappointments, failures, and heartbreaks another time around. I would. Not because I enjoyed them, but because I know they are exact experiences and trials that Heavenly Father has designed for me to help me become the best-version of myself. 

Sometimes we just walk through life and never stop to really think about the reasoning behind the trials and experiences we are currently facing. We just bitterly accept the present and never think about why the present is the way it is. Truthfully, sometimes there's not a specific reason for difficult times in our lives-- however, there's always a will. And that will is God's. We must remember that He sees the big picture when we most definitely cannot. As hard as it may be we must always trust in His will and have faith that he will lead us to where we need to be, and become who we need to be. 

Life is tricky and hard, but my goodness it's beautiful… even a beautiful mess. But you know what, I would take messy any day over perfection. Because I believe the best lived lives are the one that are messy. The ones that have plenty of mistakes, countless heartbreaks, and several failures. Want to know why? because that means that the people that lived those lives TRIED. They tried and didn't let disappointment get the best of them, and that's the greatest thing we can do in this life. 

So if things in life are a bit rough I recommend taking a break. Because sometimes that's all you need to be reminded of how blessed you are and keep you trying. Life is hard and sometimes it's difficult to keep going with blind optimism. But this is I promise, once you see that sun after those rainy days you will surely say too, 

"I would do it all again." 

Love always, Lauren