Would You

I'm a strong believer in working hard, I'm also a strong believer in taking breaks. My girl Erika and I took on this belief early into the college life. After studying all day, that knock on the door is my saving grace every single night. It's my break, my silly hour, just what I need before I sit back at my desk to finish my endless homework (no but really, never ending) into the early morning. Our daily ritual consists of Sonic runs or trips to the Creamery, getting our favorite treats (hello Freshman Fifteen), followed by our classic talks. Typical girl talks that consist of venting, laughs, reminiscing, and boys, of course. 

Quick Background

I was lucky enough to meet Erika on the first day of seventh grade. To this day we agree that our friendship, along with our twenty other girlfriends, was the kind of friendship that could only be formed over junior high years. There's something special about junior high that no other stage of your life can compare to. Sure, as you get older independence is great and you get to live the "adult life", but let's be real, if I could go back to being thirteen I easily would. Only at thirteen can you cram into your mom's car with girls stacked on each other's laps. Only at thirteen can you be okay with literally walking everywhere. Only at thirteen can you eat absolutely anything without gaining a pound. Only at thirteen can you wear plaid shorts and a striped shirt and not think twice about it. Only thirteen can you feel so old but be so little. So you get the point, I was fan of Junior High. A fan of the awkward years and even a bigger fan of the girls I met during them. 

Three years of junior high flew by and before we knew it were on our way to start high school. In the mix of the excitement and scariness of that realization, Erika had some news for us. She told us that she was going to a different high school to be apart of their Dance Company-- one of the best in the state. I was so excited for my "carmel girly-girl", excitement though didn't stop the tears and ache that I was losing one of my best friends. So we made promises. Promises that consisted of annual lunches, attending dance concerts, and to stay friends forever. Usually over time those promises don't work between long-distance friends, but we made sure that it would for us. 

Fast forward to senior year, still holding our promises and all. During one of our lunches we both realized that we were both going to BYU--alone. All of sudden those promises became our greatest blessing. Those promises kept us tied together and lead us to the opportunity to share Freshman year together. And my goodness, I'm grateful for that opportunity every single day... usually always around break time

 You see, these breaks are more than a treat or a nice chat. These breaks provide me new perspectives of my life. Dramatic, but true. On a recent break of ours, Erika asked me something that  no one has asked me before. After a long story of mine- a story that consisted of thrills, tears, and a whole lot of confusion- she asked me, 

"So, would you do it all again?" 

It got me thinking, not only about the previous story I shared, but my life as a whole and the experiences that have led me to where I am today. I thought of the times that challenged me and the people that changed me and I came up to a powerful realization. Everything that has happened in my life, all the good and bad, I am eternally grateful for. 

I am grateful for it all, and I would undoubtedly do it again. I would lose the SBO election three times more, I would experience the pain of a severe gymnastics accident again, I would surely face those awkward teenage years again as well. I would deal with all the disappointments, failures, and heartbreaks another time around. I would. Not because I enjoyed them, but because I know they are exact experiences and trials that Heavenly Father has designed for me to help me become the best-version of myself. 

Sometimes we just walk through life and never stop to really think about the reasoning behind the trials and experiences we are currently facing. We just bitterly accept the present and never think about why the present is the way it is. Truthfully, sometimes there's not a specific reason for difficult times in our lives-- however, there's always a will. And that will is God's. We must remember that He sees the big picture when we most definitely cannot. As hard as it may be we must always trust in His will and have faith that he will lead us to where we need to be, and become who we need to be. 

Life is tricky and hard, but my goodness it's beautiful… even a beautiful mess. But you know what, I would take messy any day over perfection. Because I believe the best lived lives are the one that are messy. The ones that have plenty of mistakes, countless heartbreaks, and several failures. Want to know why? because that means that the people that lived those lives TRIED. They tried and didn't let disappointment get the best of them, and that's the greatest thing we can do in this life. 

So if things in life are a bit rough I recommend taking a break. Because sometimes that's all you need to be reminded of how blessed you are and keep you trying. Life is hard and sometimes it's difficult to keep going with blind optimism. But this is I promise, once you see that sun after those rainy days you will surely say too, 

"I would do it all again." 

Love always, Lauren 

l i v e

A few weeks ago, on a Tuesday night and eve of a huge music test, I was walking with one of my new best friends down the sidewalk to continue studying what I had been drilling into my brain for the last several hours. I kept complaining to her how I felt that no matter how hard I’d study, there still was no chance of me getting an A on this test. In the middle of my discouraged and stressful complaints, she interrupted me and said:

“Brianna. You need to know when to live in the moment, and when to plan ahead.”

She explained to me something that I’ve heard a million times in my life. “Stressing isn’t going to help you do better on the test.” I guess that I’ve allowed this statement to pass right through my mind time and time again. I guess it must have been the way she said it to me, because I believed her. For the first time, honestly probably in my whole life, I stopped complaining about what I should have done better and that I should have started this two weeks ago and I at least could have done something last night and realized this was not the time to plan ahead. This was the time to live in the moment, because there was nothing I could do. After the test – now that was the time to plan ahead, to make achievable goals I could follow through with. So, I did something I’ve never done before. I studied personally challenging material that I knew I wouldn’t be able to master in two hours, and I did it with good energy. Then I went to bed, and performed better on the test then I would have ever imagined.

But that night taught me more than I need to stress less and start studying earlier for my music tests.

I’ve never handled change very well.  See, I hated college months before I even got there.  At the end of high school, I finally was feeling established. I knew who my best friends were, I knew which talents I should continue developing, I was feeling confident in what I believe, I enjoyed what I was involved in, I knew what I loved and I knew who I loved.

Somewhere along the way I forced myself into believing the end of summer 2013 was going to take away all these things from me and force me into a world I already hated. Why did I hate it? Well, because this new chapter of my life didn't offer me the comfort of what I've always known. This chapter had no promises for me. And I love promises. I love things I can count on. I love tangible and I love solid. And this time of my life offers none of that for me. So I didn't trust it and I didn't like it.

Like I mentioned earlier, I’m the girl who still tries to plan ahead when time has run out. And if I’ve learned anything in the past month: it’s that we need to plan to live in the moment. 

And by that I mean. Right now. Decide that you’re going to live in the moment.

Yes, we can all do better at managing our time. Preparing for things. Making achievable goals. Working towards something. But if you’re always planning everything, when are you supposed to live?

 It was really unfortunate that I spent so long hating a place before I even got there. Before the moment had even arrived. All of that energy was simply a waste. I think we get scared of truly living for now because we don't want to be naive. we live anticipating for reality to slap us and to tell us how stupid we've been for what we've felt and believed and pursued. we wait for the next let down. i've always been scared of this. that's why i like promises. I like establishment. I like things I can touch. I like hearing that I won't be let down.

see, I realized something. i don't really have any of that right now. but i do have passions and dreams and things and people i love. and because of that, there is a lot of beauty to be found. 

If I don’t give my heart to what I feel and believe right now, at this very second, then what should I give it to? Something I don’t love, something I don’t feel my blood racing for? Something logical? Should I do some better “planning” so I don’t get my heart broken as badly if my dreams don’t turn out exactly how I “planned” them to be?

Nope. I shouldn’t. And I’m not going to. Because I’m in love with the dreams I have right now. And I’m living in the moment with them. I am a full believer of dreaming. I am a full believer of making big mistakes. I am a full believer of feeling everything the moment has to offer.

I don't believe in doing anything half-hearted anymore out of fear of being hurt. 

Hard work, diligence, and patience in something that you love, whatever it may be, is not going to lead you somewhere you’re not supposed to be. 

None of us know the written ending. But we should all recognize that this world does not have limited doors.

This time of my life hasn't promised me anything. So when disappointment comes, because it always does in some way, I know where to look for healing. 

Why not give your full heart to what makes your blood race? Why not pursue what you’re passionate about?

You’re only going to grow.

There will always be something to fall in love with, unless we decide to ignore the details of people, the opportunities that surround ALL OF US, and the view outside our windows.

If you don’t feel passionate about something, I would recommend finding it NOW. I would recommend falling in love.

L i v e for this very second. And you'll undoubtedly become the person you're supposed to be.

-bri 

three things

college. good thing i just retyped that word about 3 times because i wasn't positive how to spell it...ironic. maybe i shouldn't be in college yet if i flippin can't even spell it correctly!

haha well i'm obviously kidding. that was just another one of my second guessing moments-and lately i've found that i've been doing that a lot.

second guessing about college, friends, choices, classes, majors, mission...and basically anything else there is to second guess about-lets be real here. i was even second guessing about writing this post, i don't really have anything to say so get ready for some rambling!

so here are the three things that i've realized over the past couple of months...

let's start where this "second-guessing" state of mind began: 

1. college.

my school colors of green and grey are now red and black 

the student section Ozone of 100 kids is now the MUSS of 6,000 students

seeing familiar faces everyday has changed to seeing about 5 per week

having the best group of boys in driving distance are now all across the globe

seeing and talking to all my girls each day is now a phone call each week

living at home near my family is now my little quaint dorm room all by myself 

and my favorite little Olympus High School community is now the huge University of Utah.

Now saying that i have gotten used to this way of life would be a definite lie. it's become recognizable but not yet comfortable. see, and i know i'll get used to it, i know that. i know that the first semester of college blows and that it will get better. i know that. but for right now, its not better.

i mean, i really have been enjoying this new way of life(in some aspects). my favorite thing about it so far is that college really does bring a sense of independence. i can do what i want, when i want, and how i want. i can do me.

from the words of the famous Jaren Quincy Jones and my lovely best friend, Lauren Anderson...
"you do you" and "make it work"
have become my new mottos.

i hate all of the sappy quotes like "you were born to stand out" and blah blah blah...but it really is true. you do you. why is it so hard to not be ourselves sometimes? you do you, because that's where you'll find lasting joy and satisfaction. really, true happiness comes from being yourself-why wouldn't it?  nobody else's happiness is your own. your own self knows how to make your own true happiness-nobody else does.

so realizing this got me
thinking about how there isn't a right/better way to do anything. there is not a set way
of how to live a life.
you don't have to know everybody at school.
you don't have to be social and go to every event that comes up.
you don't have to go out every night and talk to people.
you don't even have to leave your flippin room if you don't want to!
you don't have to do anything you don't want to do! there is not a right way to do life. there literally isn't. so do what works for you because in the end, that is what will ultimately make you happy.
you do you and do what works for you. yet, also realize that other people won't do you. they will do them. so then you have to make it work for you. 

2. this time.

throughout all of this second guessing crap, i've really come to realize what this time of my life is really for-it's for me. 
i didn't realize this until one of my best friends, Maura Ruth Dern, had this quote on her blog. ------------>
it's a time of "discovery and experiment" and it shouldn't be taken advantage of. use it!!!!
see but this idea has taken a while to sink in for me. 
i don't think that some people realize that our grade is the first to experience the mission age change. we're the first group of girls to go through 2 years without any of our best guy friends. we didn't get a summer and we didn't the first year of college with the boys that we've grown up with. farewells weren't spread out over the course of a year or two. no-it was over a course of 3 months. our last summer when we were supposed to be all together, was overtaken by those 70+ goodbyes. 
so basically not the norm you would say.
but obviously now, i wouldn't take that away for anything. instead of getting close over that last summer that we didn't get, we got close over that last part of senior year. we bonded more than ever before and were all so excited about what was to come because we grew together.
all of those boys are such great examples, i love and appreciate them more than words can describe. i wouldn't change the situation for anything. i feel so grateful to one day be able to tell my future family that my grade was affected most by that announcement and that my guy friends jumped up and were ready to go. 
again though, it took me(and my girls) a long time to realize this sense of gratitude. we were constantly questioning if we were important in this time. all the focus was on the Elders and we felt like we had nothing to contribute and that this time was only meant for them. after praying to Heavenly Father each night in search for an answer, i finally found that this time is for us girls too. it's pretty simple. 
all the boys are gone on missions. its a time for us girls to focus on ourselves. 
don't we all want that? haha kidding (not kidding). but seriously. boys are such a distraction! 
so i've found that this is a time for us girls to focus on ourselves. it's a time for us to grow spiritually and intellectually-like they are right now. i could go on, but i'd get sappy and i'd hate that. haha so interpret my belief as you'd like. 

3. progression.

so....FHE(friends home evening) is my favorite thing on this earth. monday nights have now become my favorite time of the week. 
so johanna estrada(if you don't know her-get to know her) taught this amazing lesson last monday and the spirit was super strong. she taught us that there's only progression and digression. if we want to progress, we can't and won't be able to stay comfortable. 
and that's how i've felt lately. i felt like i've just been in a rut. so that was a definite answer to my prayers. i realized that i always need to be trying and i never need to be lazy. i need to try new things and progress in my life and my goals. we can't skim the surface we need to be fully involved in our life. i realized that nothing is going to be done if i don't take action. you can't plow a field with your mind!
i loved conference because of all the advice we got about this and trusting in Heavenly Father. it has been such a prevalent thing that i've learned to revolve my life around it. just trusting in Him because He knows best. i've learned to go with my gut and trust in the spirit more because He knows me the best and knows what is best for me.
so here's to my obsession with conference and making pinterest quote pics...

 so there's my three things. sorry for the ramble!

love,

moss